Recovered Another One

At therapy yesterday, I recovered another memory. Actually, I partially recovered it the LAST time I was in, but I wasn't ready for the whole thing. (Don't worry. I know about the "recovered memory" scams. I may post my feelings about this in depth at another time; just understand that sometimes things really are too traumatic to remember.)

The first part of it that I remembered, I was very small. The age of 3 popped in my head. I was wearing a dress with no panties, lying on a bed, with a figure beside me. My impression was that it was an adult male, but someone I don't know. He was stroking my genital area on the outside, and I was scared and it felt wrong, but it also felt good; my feelings were extremely confused. It was extremely disturbing. But it kind of explained why I cannot really feel it when I have sex. It was good and bad at the same time, and it was too much for me to handle, and I "numbed" myself. Not numb like when your foot goes to sleep and it feels like a block of wood attached to the end of your leg. But numb like if you are wearing a shirt with sleeves, and you can feel the sleeves on your arms, but don't really register it.

That's what I got at that session.

The next session, yesterday, was just....well, it was pretty awful.

It was the same memory, or maybe it was a different time; I don't know. I know it was the same person, but this time I got the feeling I was 5 years old. And this time I remembered much more.

I got the feeling that he was a relative, like a cousin I haven't seen since I was a child. He had dark hair, so I know it couldn't have been my dad, as his hair had been gray for as long as I knew him. Plus, I don't remember ever having any kind of secret with him. That part relieved me to no end.

This time I was naked, and he was on top of me, and there was full penetration. My head was at his chest level, and my vagina felt very stretched by his penis. It was painful, but felt good at the same time. I felt very betrayed by him, because he had told me this was a secret, that it was normal, that he would never hurt me. I remember also feeling betrayed by my body, because part of me did enjoy it, but it felt so wrong and bad. I was absolutely terrified; I just wanted him to get off of me. I could actually feel heat and soreness in my vagina area, sitting there in the therapist's office. I can actually feel it now.

As the session went on, I started feeling very "floaty", like I was half in and half out of my body. I just got more and more numb until I couldn't feel my body at all, and my speech started to slur. It was like, I was so terrified and overwhelmed, and then...nothing. I'm sure I had that same experience there on the bed with the man. I went into a dissociative state. And I think my mind broke a little bit that day; I literally split off from myself because I couldn't cope with the situation.

That's when I became such a quiet child. I never wanted to draw attention to myself. I never wanted to have anything at all to do with men. It explains my irrational fear of men that has followed me through most of my adult life. It explains why I wanted nothing to do with sex, and why I have not been able to feel it, and why my fantasies have taken on a masochistic, slave-oriented tone. It explains why orgasm is so hard for me to achieve. It explains why the only reason I was ever curious about sex was because the people around me seemed to think it was important.

I told the therapist that I really didn't know if I were making it up, or really remembering something that happened. It was just too terrible to contemplate that something like that had happened to me. His advice to me has always been to just go with it. Because whether it is a real memory, or something my mind constructs to help me heal, it doesn't matter. When I get through the experience, I am stronger, and less neurotic.

I had a very strong urge to go into myself and comfort that girl who went through that, she who was protecting me from that memory. As I was comforting her, holding her in my mind, rocking with her, telling her it was ok, I would protect her, it was over, she didn't have to hold on to that memory anymore, I had the most amazing sensation. I literally felt her body melding with mine. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, or like I've read too many books about split-personalities. But that is what I experienced. And the room (the therapist's office) literally got lighter in my perception. That happens every time I am able to process another memory and heal that little bit more.

What Is This All About?

I have recently started a very personal journey to try and recover most of my life, which I have forgotten. It may sound strange, but that's the way life is for me. Bad things happened to me, starting when I was very, very young - pre-verbal - and continuing at various points throughout my life. The result is a very neurotic and unhappy woman.

As I go through my therapy, and work through the trauma, I may post some of it here, as the mood strikes me. I warn you now, this will be incredibly depressing. I'm not doing it to entertain you. I'm doing it to help heal myself. I may or may not make it ultimately public. For the time being, it's public. If my experience can help someone else, or reassure someone else that they're not alone, maybe some good will come out of it.

This will probably be a very angry blog. It will be full of pain and horror. Perhaps, at the end, there will be joy. I don't know what that's like. I can't imagine it. But it is my sincerest hope.